Thinker than you drunk I am.

It's been a stressful week but thankfully I am done early on Thursday ready to head to Bozeman to see Heather for my Birthday weekend. I was too busy to pack my stuff before coming to work today, so I run home with excitement building and in a semi-frenzy stuff 7 individual socks (who need pairs?), a spoon, 4 different kinds of pants, 11 books, 2 nalgenes, shorts for winter wear, t-shirts, one DVD movie, hoodies, ski boots, chacos, 3 gloves, a -20 degree mummy bag, 2 hats, a cantaloupe, makeup, a steak knife, cash, Laptop, a dress shirt, 2 cameras, 3 coffee mugs, a sleeping pad, a cell phone charger, a cowboy hat, extra shoes, a snazzy hat, and the kitchen sink (well almost). This all gets tossed randomly into all available space in the passenger seats in the blazer (AKA Damsel). Now I have to run errands to the bank, the library and get fuel. Good grief, let me outa here! Ah one more stop at Mom/Dad's new house in Clinton for Birthday Brownie, yeah. Okay cell phone: check, snacks: check, driver's licence: check, credit cards: check, map to Heather's house: check, enough emergency stuff to placate a boyscout: check.

I start down the road, ah the sunshine so nice and warm, the radio is swinging good tunes, a full tummy of brownies, no worries, no jobs, no deadlines, nothing: just me and Damsel and the open road. Traffic is light, some slower, some faster, but hey whatever. The easy curves lull me into a peaceful state, all the craziness leading up to this just fades away. No one is really around so I just gracefully change lanes to round out the corners, there isn't much else to do really. A backpackers Suburu passes me, I laugh cuz they probably have as much stuff as me but it's all neat and compartmentalized in the back window, whoowho for you, over achievers! They get stuck behind a slow semi a few miles later, I pop over to the other lane when it's clear, pass them and just carry on singing to myself, for reasons unknown to me this Suburu hits the brakes in apparent freak out mode as I pass them. Whatever. Now that sun is feeling so nice and Kyss FM is playing just what I need, my speed wavers and I find myself lolly gagging. I get up to the speed limit and hit cruise control. More sunshine, more singing, some snacks, a highway patrol going the other way, round out a few more corners, get passed by a huge Dodge pulling a massive trailer on my left side, whatever, I figured it was safer just to stay there. There is a car tailgating me, so I go back to the right hand lane. Flashing lights! WHAT! Really people? I calmly slow down, ease on to the shoulder, way off the road for his safety, put in park, keep my hands on the wheel.

How are we doing today?

Alright

I pulled you over cuz we got a complaint about your driving behavior.

Oh.

Can I see your Licence and registration.

(my glove box spills out napkins and the insurance card is straight pinned to the back of the visor)

They said you were all over the road. I am concerned for your safety and that of the other drivers.

ah I was just rounding out the corners.

where are you headed?

Bozeman to see some friends.

Are you in a hurry?

Not really

Have you had anything to drink today?

Just milk and juice

Any alcohol in the car?

Umm....I don't think so

This is your car isn't it?

Yes

And you don't know if you have any alcohol in here?

Well I don't think so, maybe for a couple of months ago.

Smoking anything funny?

No, I don't even smoke cigarettes

Have you taken any meds today?

ah yeah 3 Ibuprofen at noon.

Is that normal for you? (kid you not there was a stink eye included in that question)

Yeah. (i should told him it was for my cramps! and that was like a baby dose compared to my normal intake)

You look flushed and your eyes are all red.

oh well it's kinda warm in here, i can turn the heat down if it makes you feel better. (so i reach over turn the heater down)

Are you tired?
No not really, I'm not even low blood sugared, I just had a brownie

So basically you're just pretty laid back.

mmmm.....pretty much.

So not much really rattles you?

not really. (w a flat affect)

You're sure you haven't been drinking?

Nope i haven't had anything

Where are you headed?

B-O-Z-E-M-A-N (you already asked me that)

Ok I am going to check this out.

*insert Jeopardy song here on REPEAT: I study the map to Heathers house, put the stake knife out of view, oh that melon probably smelled sweetly suspicious! small giggle to myself, gasp that SUBURU! GRRR! (somehow the thought of pot triggered their memory......) whatever, oh look a second drivers licence, well lets just put that away along with the knife. (too bad I didn't have a gun in the ashtray, sorry Jail bird Jimmy, just couldn't resist that one!) Alright mmm well this taking a long time, listen to my new phone messages, talk to my boss for work about a shift change. Finally I shut off engine and start to read one of my books.

and were back:

Well I talked to the people who called you in and they said you were all over the road.

I don't know what to say, I was just taking the shortest route around the corners.

Well in the short time i observed you, you were lane changing without signaling.

OK

You have inappropriate responses to my questions.

(to myself: I do? no drinking, no speeding, no pot, no reaching etc, how is that inappropriate???)

I am going to ask you to step out of the car so I can explain this warning to you.

I open door, shockingly enough I don't fall, waver, or stagger getting out.

Are you sure you don't have any alcohol in there?

Alright buddy you are starting to piss me off. I swing the door open wide and say be my guest to look. He must have seen the stuff piled level to the windows and back of the seats and wisely choose not to look. So now we take a little walk, mmm no wobbling. He is grabbing at straws trying desperately to find something that he can explain away this call.

So you were just cutting the corners?

yeah, there wasn't anyone around, I was even doing shoulder checks to double check.

Ah well ok. were you reaching for something?

mmm No

Are you tired?

Well I've been up since 6am but my bed times not till 9pm.

So your not tired?

Not really that's my every day wake schedule and I slept fine last night.

Will you promise to pull over if your tired?

Yeah but I'm fine.

Are you feeling okay, your not sick?

No I feel fine.

Were you changing the radio station?

No I've been listening to Kyss FM all the way here.

now he explains my warning to me, I just worried for you safety and the other drivers and a last warning to pull over if I am tired and please just stay in my lane.

whatever dude, I amble back to my car, apply my seat belt, put my cellphone in it's place, start the car, use my blinker and pull back out onto the highway. He seemed to really really want to find something wrong with me, something, anything to explain that 911 call. I suspect I may have ruined his paperwork day, from his perspective I can see it, how do you write up that document: crazy response girl, who doesn't know if there is alcohol in her car and is too calm for being pulled over by the highway patrol, she has to be on some kind of drugs. You can't find anything and you have no grounds to keep her so you have to let her go. I feel kinda bad in retrospect for my feckless responses, but there wasn't any reason to get all worked up and panicked cuz I hadn't done anything wrong. I bet the officer has a story to tell his buddies now too. hehehe. way to usher out year 28!